I hate that moment more than anything. I have experienced it more times than I care to count. The feeling of powerlessness it washes over me hurts inside in so many ways. I have someone in my life that for as long as I can remember has been able to bait me in a way no one else can. This person can push my buttons, hurt me, taunt me, and more often than not turn my anger into tears. Negative interactions with this person vs. positive interactions are a very screwed up, unhealthy ratio. I am learning with age and expensive therapy that no one controls how I feel, especially about myself. I have struggled for years with wanting something but thinking that either: A. I wasn't capable of it. or B. I didn't deserve it. This is one of the underlying reasons why the first time around in college I didn't apply myself and also why I am nearly 30 years old and finally earning my Bachelor's Degree.
My first time around in college I was distracted. I dreamed about going to college from the time I was about 8 years old. Very few people in my family (no one in my immediate family) went to college. No one graduated. The first time around in college (right out of high school) I felt like I didn't belong. I felt 'out classed' for lack of better term.
I was a Hispanic girl in a white bread town, on scholarship, unable to get a job (unless you count telemarketing in a shady establishment that was later raided by the FBI), pinching my pennies, living off of my saving and minimum wage that I earned on breaks to put myself through school. Looking back now, that should be a source of pride- working hard to achieve your dreams... But I felt ashamed. I felt flat-out ashamed. I had parents at home who could have helped me out financially, even just a little bit, but chose not to. Their take on it was making your own way through the world and you are an adult now- no longer our responsibility, blah blah. In theory this might have been a good idea. I let myself not do well in school because I didn't feel like I could handle the task of financially supporting myself through 4 years of school. For someone who had just turned 18 in the week before moving away to school and no job prospects or guidance in a small town, I felt like I was drowning.
But to me, with my background and past, I felt like if my parent's didn't want to help me through college it was because they didn't think I was worth it. Or would yet that I couldn't hack what I was trying to accomplish. When my roommates would get even $20 or $30 bucks from their parents for groceries I felt a twinge of envy. I was envious of the parents back home who supported them and believed in them. And maybe my parents did, they didn't say and I didn't feel it.
Feeling it is what is essential. And back from that long winded tangent and to my point. I interacted with that person this week. The one who can bait me and 'cause' my emotions to spiral out of control. The one who can take my happiness and reduce it to tears on a dime.
I am proud to say that I had an interaction this week where I did not let it happen. I did not let them bait me. I did not let anything they said reduce me to tears. The feeling was one of a power I have never felt before. This person can no longer control how I feel. I realized that I do. I can't change the way they treat me. I can't change the way they talk to me. I have tried on both counts and it is fruitless. I cannot change the way they perceive me or their feelings about/towards me. What I can change is how I react to this person.
I know it sounds so simple. Obviously, you can change how you react to a person. To most people this is kindergarten behavior expectations. No one else controls your reactions but you. It has taken me nearly 30 years to feel like *I* control my emotions. It has taken me this long to realize that no one 'makes' me cry or feel bad about who I am. This realization has given me a new sense of self-empowerment and self-control.
The people I love the most may hurt me and hurt me deeply, and sometimes they may even do it intentionally, but I control what I do with it. I control how deep it goes. I control the reaction they get from me. They may throw the hurt out there, but I control if it sticks.
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