And I have been MIA....

I am blaming it on Finals Week. Finals Week is the biggest effing joke. In reality, its finals month. Papers, projects, exams and more exams tend to be stretched out over weeks, rather than one singular week. Technically, you have all semester to get this writing done. But, who are we kidding?!?! It's the 99% who do it all in this last week. I thought of a new reason to not go to college: Finals Week. Don't do it!

Anyone who knows me knows that I am kidding and in actuality, I am a huge proponent of higher education for everyone. There are very few people out there who really can't do it with the support systems that state schools have in place to ensure student success.

Although, I have a big paper that I have only outlined due in a matter of hours I needed to write. I mean do the good writing, the writing that is good for the soul.

Recently, by an outsider (okay, therapist), I was absolved of responsibility for holding a relationship together that has been a huge part of my life for all my life. Deductive reasoning will do you some good in deciphering that. This relationship has hurt me and damaged me in ways that I don't know if I will ever really recover from. It continues to, often. The worst part and possibly the most hurtful is that when I hang out the proverbial olive branch it is ignored or at times even broken and tossed back at me.

I got to a point where I could no longer try to repair it and had to take a step back to assess if what I was getting out of the relationship was even worth the effort and soul I was putting in. If I am truly honest, I cannot even recall the last time I had a conversation with this person. You know, a real conversation (the kind you even have with strangers on the street, where a small connection is made over even silliest of things) where there is no conflict, judgement, or things said to hurt or control someone. I am racking my brain and racking my brain. It has been that long. Maybe I never have. If I haven't even connected with the person in that long and the relationship is that volatile, I keep asking myself if I should continue trying.

I was continually told to take the high road and be the bigger person. But that failed. Everything I attempted failed. No matter what way I turned I was met with turmoil. If I put real effort in to be loving and kind, fail. If I turned the other cheek, fail. If I went on the defensive, fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

In a romantic relationship, one would pack their bags and be done. But this element is much more complex.

I was always afraid. Afraid of being a disappointment. Afraid of making this person mad. Afraid of not getting their approval. Afraid of what they would say. Afraid of their reaction. Afraid of their anger. I don't know why it never occurred to me that a relationship ruled by fear, is no relationship at all.

Then an outsider told me that it was okay. I was no longer responsible for being the bigger person, smoothing things over, and I didn't need to feel bad for who I was or what I was feeling. It's okay to be me. Things weren't going to change and the only person I was hurting by holding onto hope, was myself. Those words alone took boulders off of my shoulders that I have been carrying for way too long.

So, I let go of hope. It sounds crazy that letting go of hope made me feel empowered and a sense of peace, but it couldn't be more true. I let go of hope that things would ever be different, because they won't. I know that. I have always known that.

Here's the thing: You can love someone so much that you lose sight of what is reality. Reality for me is that I value a harmonious relationship with this person much more than they do. As long as I am who I am; I won't ever be what they want me to. I will never be a person they "like." Love, maybe. Like, no. I am finally okay with that.