And Holy Shit, It's Here!

I graduated in 5 days.  It doesn't seem real.  I know I am a smart person, but you see, something happened along the way.  I could blame it on getting married at 20 and immediately having a child.  A couple years later I had another child and my life has been a trying to make ends meet, bottle washing, diaper changing, potty training, carpool driving, picture book reading, Sesame Street watching, dance recital going, taxiing kiddos from this lesson to that lesson, casserole baking, dish washing splendor.  One would easily believe that with two young kids and a husband who works long hours that going to school and completing school would be daunting and completely understandable if it weren't done.  But that's not the case.

The thing is, somewhere along the way despite being told growing up the value of a college education and the mantra that if you work hard and get an education you will be rewarded, I quit believing.  I didn't quit believing in the mantra, per se.  I saw successful people all around me.  I saw people who went to college, got that degree and lived the American Dream- so no, I didn't quit believing it existed.  But I quit believing in it as a possibility for me.  I believed that I wasn't "good enough" and that I wasn't "college graduate material."  College-types were a different breed and I wasn't one of them.  

Something caused me to switch gears, thankfully.  I believe completely, wholly, and unabashedly to my core that the only way to ensure your children grow into what you want them to be is by setting a positive example.  If you want your child to be courteous, be courteous yourself.  If you want your child to be optimistic, be an optimist.  If you want your child to respect life, respect it yourself.  And if you want your child to be a college graduate, be one yourself.

I was blessed beyond reason with two amazing daughters.  The are both so very different from each other, but both equally amazing in their own right.  I want the world for them.  I want them to have every opportunity and to always believe that the world is their oyster.  But, how do you teach, really teach a child that the world is their oyster?  The only way is by making it your own.  That is exactly what I did.  If I want my girls to be successful, strong women who will do whatever their hearts desire then I had to do that myself.  I set my mind to do exactly that.  It has been three years.  Three, long, difficult years- but it is here- for that I couldn't be happier.  I know I am living what I believe and that is enough for me.

And I am

I found this and absolutely love it.  I never pictured myself a suburban clique.  But I am and I am happy with it.  Its no secret that I never imagined myself a mother, let alone a stay at home one. However, something changed in me...  A switch.was flicked. I used to look down on SAHM's, thinking that's ”all” you are?!?  But really, what more is there?  Work if you must.  Work if you want.  Work if you can't imagine anything else.  But in the end, this time can't be replaced and there is nothing that makes my heart more full that raising and shaping these two girls.

And I'm Doing It...

I am doing it. I am really doing it. I never thought I would really be here. I just took my last final. I have one semester left. That's right, just one semester. I don't even know how to describe how I feel because I always wanted this. Always. I never thought it would come to fruition...

On another note, I am so completely mentally drained. In the span of a week I wrote 3 major papers and took 3 finals. I seriously need to look into hiring a nanny for my next finals week, a few hundred dollars and I can have peace of mind. I can completely manage with my workload the rest of the time. Then finals week hits and BAM! My house is in shambles, dinner isn't cooked and my kids are quasi-neglected.

And it changed my life...

I think everyone should have a book or books that changed their life. The written word is incredibly powerful. I encountered this book when I took a Family Violence course a few semesters ago. I took the class to fill a credit, not knowing it would change my life. The instructor warned us on the first day to drop the class if we were not prepared to delve deep into some disturbing material and that in order to gain a real understanding of what we were studying we would need to look deep within ourselves. I kind of blew it off, thinking that I look within on regular basis, that it wouldn't be too much for me to take on. I was so wrong.

We examined violence from traditional means; physical abuse, psychological abuse, and sexual abuse. Where I was not prepared to go, was in in depth examination of emotional abuse. It took so much out of my classmates and me to discuss in great length yelling, put downs, control, disgust and emotional manipulation. When you critically examine your life experiences it is then that you realize just how much the "small" things effect your self-perception and perception of others (especially what they think of you).

We read a few different books in this class. Several centered around extreme violence and managing hate. The one that changed me was this one "Parenting From the Inside Out." What this parenting book does that others seem to lack is acknowledge that you will make mistakes. It provides methods of correcting those mistakes (aka- repair mechanisms). They have been invaluable to me. It provides you with the steps you need to take when you do make a mistake. Apology and Accountability. Apologize to your child when you have stepped out of bounds, "Say you are sorry when you hurt someone." We expect this of our kids, why wouldn't we expect this of ourselves? Then, be accountable. Take responsibility, own 'fault' for what happened and fix it. Both of these have been difficult for me and its still can be a daily struggle when life is getting in the way of what really matters.

I never want my kids to feel like my shortcomings are their fault. It is so easy for little minds to not know how to take things and feel like they are to blame. Since they don't understand those feelings, they just continue to carry them with them. And really, who can blame them? A child isn't fully psychologically developed until they are in their late teens. Some things in the world are too much for them, that is why they have parents as a constant until then. My copy of this book is battered, highlighted, earmarked, etc. Its likely before my kids are raised I will need a new copy.

And I have been MIA....

I am blaming it on Finals Week. Finals Week is the biggest effing joke. In reality, its finals month. Papers, projects, exams and more exams tend to be stretched out over weeks, rather than one singular week. Technically, you have all semester to get this writing done. But, who are we kidding?!?! It's the 99% who do it all in this last week. I thought of a new reason to not go to college: Finals Week. Don't do it!

Anyone who knows me knows that I am kidding and in actuality, I am a huge proponent of higher education for everyone. There are very few people out there who really can't do it with the support systems that state schools have in place to ensure student success.

Although, I have a big paper that I have only outlined due in a matter of hours I needed to write. I mean do the good writing, the writing that is good for the soul.

Recently, by an outsider (okay, therapist), I was absolved of responsibility for holding a relationship together that has been a huge part of my life for all my life. Deductive reasoning will do you some good in deciphering that. This relationship has hurt me and damaged me in ways that I don't know if I will ever really recover from. It continues to, often. The worst part and possibly the most hurtful is that when I hang out the proverbial olive branch it is ignored or at times even broken and tossed back at me.

I got to a point where I could no longer try to repair it and had to take a step back to assess if what I was getting out of the relationship was even worth the effort and soul I was putting in. If I am truly honest, I cannot even recall the last time I had a conversation with this person. You know, a real conversation (the kind you even have with strangers on the street, where a small connection is made over even silliest of things) where there is no conflict, judgement, or things said to hurt or control someone. I am racking my brain and racking my brain. It has been that long. Maybe I never have. If I haven't even connected with the person in that long and the relationship is that volatile, I keep asking myself if I should continue trying.

I was continually told to take the high road and be the bigger person. But that failed. Everything I attempted failed. No matter what way I turned I was met with turmoil. If I put real effort in to be loving and kind, fail. If I turned the other cheek, fail. If I went on the defensive, fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

In a romantic relationship, one would pack their bags and be done. But this element is much more complex.

I was always afraid. Afraid of being a disappointment. Afraid of making this person mad. Afraid of not getting their approval. Afraid of what they would say. Afraid of their reaction. Afraid of their anger. I don't know why it never occurred to me that a relationship ruled by fear, is no relationship at all.

Then an outsider told me that it was okay. I was no longer responsible for being the bigger person, smoothing things over, and I didn't need to feel bad for who I was or what I was feeling. It's okay to be me. Things weren't going to change and the only person I was hurting by holding onto hope, was myself. Those words alone took boulders off of my shoulders that I have been carrying for way too long.

So, I let go of hope. It sounds crazy that letting go of hope made me feel empowered and a sense of peace, but it couldn't be more true. I let go of hope that things would ever be different, because they won't. I know that. I have always known that.

Here's the thing: You can love someone so much that you lose sight of what is reality. Reality for me is that I value a harmonious relationship with this person much more than they do. As long as I am who I am; I won't ever be what they want me to. I will never be a person they "like." Love, maybe. Like, no. I am finally okay with that.

And I mean this 'For Real...'

And I went to the gym...

So, I am starting back up at the gym.  Its been a long time coming.  I don't understand why I go long stretches of time between my spurts as a gym goer.  I feel good when I am there.  I feel good, albeit a painful good afterward.  Yet, that first step out the door is the most difficult one.  I want to say its step 638 on the elliptical, but its not.  Its lacing up the shoes and walking out the front door that is the real challenge.